new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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