the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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