I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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