Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
