Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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