i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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