My Higher Power is John Stamos
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
