So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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