come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
