i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
