Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
