i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
