someone owes me an orgasm
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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