Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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