You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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