Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
