____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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