Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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