I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the condom got lost in my hair
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
