Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
