I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
