I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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