Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize