how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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