i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
