i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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