I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
