I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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