my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Randomize
