sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
