I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
