Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
