He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
