Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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