If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
