I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
sex in a hospital.. check
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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