make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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