i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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