***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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