meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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