I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize