I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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