you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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