whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
