Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
