Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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