sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize