I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
stop calling my apartment porn island.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
