I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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