I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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