u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize