Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
