Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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