I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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