a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so that wasnt chicken after all
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
