the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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