whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize