She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
