You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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