Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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