Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He shit in the fireplace
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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