i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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