Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
