my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
