We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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