i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
