Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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