i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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