He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
