im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
