Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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