In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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