I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize