I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
