Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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