This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
